


Spider Invasion

by SilverBlaze85



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Arachnophobia, Crack, M/M, Spiders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-26
Updated: 2013-01-26
Packaged: 2017-11-26 23:08:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/655393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverBlaze85/pseuds/SilverBlaze85





	Spider Invasion

  


_First and foremost, if anyone has a better title... I'll love you forever. It's been sitting on my harddrive as_ "Spider-Phobic-Jensen" _for eons and ages. Also.... this isn't the newest "_ Collared". _I know. I'm working onnit. >.<_  
  
Massive thanks to [](http://audreyava.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://audreyava.livejournal.com/)**audreyava**  for running beta on this. \0/ You rock darling!! Any remaining errors are my fault for tinkering that last little bit before posting. :/  
  
Lastly... Jensen? I am -soooo- sorry. >.<

~~*^*~~

Pairing: Jared/Jensen (nothing graphic, could even be taken as GEN if not for a few lines)  
Rating: PG (language)  
Disclaimer: Oh, come on. This?? Is all fiction. I sincerely doubt Mr. Ackles has any fear of spiders. I'm just borrowing their likeness to amuse myself.  
Reviews = love like chocolate. :D

~~*^*~~

{C}{C}{C}

“ _They’re more scared of you then you are of them.”_ He can’t tell you how many times he’s heard that, but it’s still a line of bull. Jensen has _never_ seen a spider faint from seeing him, but he _knows_ he has from seeing one of the evil buggers. It’s a story his brother has pulled out and recounted so many times, there’s no use denying it anymore. 

For the most part, it’s not a problem. About 90% of the year, especially now that they’re up in the much colder Canadian climate, he can avoid the creepy things. He ups his guard around Halloween, because invariably, someone ( _Jared_ ) thinks it’s funny to put the fake spiders everywhere. 

And no matter what the moose says, he did _not_ scream like a girl. It was a manly yelp of surprise. 

But regardless, Jared knows how terrified he is of the bugs (yes, he is fully aware they are not bugs, they are arachnids, but they’re bugs. All 8 creepy legs and everything. Bugs.) and generally ensures that the house is safe from them. He even knocks down the cobwebs regularly, so Jensen knows that it’s a nice, safe refuge. 

So when he feels a light tickle on the top of his foot, from where he’s dozing on the sofa; he flexes his foot, not really awake, figuring it’sa draft or something. The tickling moves, and he kicks his foot a little. “g’way Harls.” But his foot doesn’t brush against fur, and there’s been no clicking of nails on the floor, so he cracks open an eye, peering blearily and fuzzily at his foot. 

The big black spider freezes, as if it _knows_ it’s been spotted, and Jensen yelps, kicking his foot frantically as he dives over the back of the sofa, landing hard on the floor. He doesn’t wait, the damned thing could be coming after him, and he scrambles into the kitchen to sit on a chair, yank his feet up under him. And scrub frantically at his foot, where he can _still_ feel the little creepy legs crawling and just _ohmygod!_

His yelp has both dogs slipping and sliding in their haste to make it into the living room, Harley whuffling excitedly as Sadie seeks him out. “Kill it! Kill it puppies!” Instead, they both come over to him, panting in delight, as Jared makes his way around the corner. 

“What the hell, Jen? You okay?” 

He just points into the living room, and knows that Jared will figure it out. The younger man cocks his head, taking in the curled and balled up positioning, the frantic scrubbing of his foot, and the shaking hand. He nods, grabs a paper towel, and moves in for the kill, Harley trotting after his Daddy to be the back-up. Jensen waits for the all clear, absently scratching the top of Sadie’s head, where she’s laid it in his lap. 

He can hear Jared moving around in the living room, hearsthings being moved, and slowly the panic abates, and he sheepishly puts his feet back on the floor, curling his toes against the chill. He’s nearing thirty, for Christ’s sake… the least he can do is _act_ like it. He straightens his back, trying to not flinch as the phantom feel of legs scamper over his foot again. He’s a _man._

Jared pops his head back in around the molding, lip caught between even white teeth. “Um, Jensen?” He waits a minute, glancing back into the living room. “You uh… you wouldn’t happen to know where it _went_ , would you?” 

Jensen knows he’s being unreasonable, but he still glares at Jared, snapping back scathingly. “Why yes Jared, I did. I took notes and photos of where it ran after I _kicked it across the room._ ” He scrubs the top of the contaminated foot with his other, a small chill running down his spine. “Why?” 

“I can’t find it.” Of course not. The thing ran back to get reinforcements. They’re going to murder everyone while they sleep tonight. And yes, his momma always warned him that his overly active imagination when it came to bugs was going to get him in trouble, but he can totally see the giant spiders gnawing on their dead bodies. Part of his mind, the cool, rational, _adult_ part of his mind, thinks that could make for a truly interesting episode if Kripke ever got his hands on that idea. 

The other part? The little child that is numb with terror? Is shrieking like a banshee, chanting ‘kill it kill it, OH MY GOD KILL IT!!’ hysterically. 

He pushes Sadie away, ignoring her disappointed pleas for attention, and calmly makes his way upstairs. His duffel is under the bed, and he shakes it violently, ensuring the little bastards haven’t infiltrated that, before stuffing a few changes of his favorite clothes into it. He’s zipping it shut as Jared leans in the doorway, arms crossed across his chest, a brow raised in curiosity. “Where you going?” 

“To my apartment. Give me a call when you’ve killed it, okay?” Jensen’s proud of himself for the steady and coolly collected voice. His apartment, while all but fully abandoned, is blessedly spider-free. He can spend the night there while Jared finds and kills the spider, and then it’ll be okay to come back. He hoists the duffel over his shoulder, and pats Jared’s chest as he slips past him. 

“Jensen, really. You’re being a little…” Jared trails off, scrubbing a hand over his face. “Really? You’re leaving because of a _spider_?” 

“Give me a call when you kill it, alright?” He methodically ignores the pained look on Jared’s face as he shuts the door behind him. 

~~*^*~~

Jensen didn’t anticipate just how cold and lonely the bed is without Jared pressed tight up against him, without the dogs flopped across his feet, hot and heavy and ignorant of the humans' need for blankets. The apartment is small and cramped, while somehow being incredibly large and empty, and the absolute silence is keeping him wide awake, flopping and tossing as he tries to find a comfortable spot on the bed. This is ridiculous. He sits up, glances at the red numbers on the clock. Just past midnight, and _fuck it._

His cell beeps about ten minutes later, and he flips it open, doesn’t bother saying ‘hello.’ “I killed him, okay? Found it under the sofa, squished him. Will you come home now?” Jared doesn’t need to know that Jensen was already pulling onto the highway when his phone rang. It’d boost his ego too much. 

~~*^*~~

Jensen consoles himself that he only has to work today, and then he’s off for an extended weekend. Jared’s got today and tomorrow, but Jensen has a date with the game console, the couch, and lounge clothes. And _sleeping in_. “One more day Ackles. One more day,” he mutters as he closes his eyes against the fall of water, letting the shower wake him up a little more. He’s still sleepy, residually languid from Jared’s wake-up call, and he cracks his neck as he reaches for the shampoo, letting the hot water pound tired muscles. Jared’s getting dressed, Jensen can hear the whistling as he moves around the bedroom, and he yawns heavily, spitting out the water he collected as he blinks against the tears that the yawn pulled forward. It takes his sleepy mind a precious second to realize what he’s staring at. 

It’s perfectly clear, despite the lack of corrective eyewear, which means it’s entirely too close. It freezes, and he freezes, shampoo suds slipping across his shoulders as he doesn’t even bother trying to breathe, terror icy-cold in his chest. Then the thing twitches a leg on the tile, Jensen yelps, and the spider apparently takes that as an attack, skittering wildly. Jensen lunges for the safety of the bedroom, shower be damned at this point. He’ll rinse in the kitchen sink, but the shower curtain and lip of the tub have other plans for him, and in his heroic battle against them (the spider paid them off, he’s sure of it), may have _possibly_ screamed like a young girl, as the shower curtain wraps around him. There’s a split second where he’s suspended, before the flimsy plastic gives to the combination of his weight and gravity, and then he’s crashing hard to the floor, narrowly missing the other fixtures in the bathroom. 

When the story comes up in the future, he’ll adamantly deny crawling on the floor like a little bitch, too focused on getting _the hell out of there_ to bother wasting precious seconds getting to his feet. 

“Jen? Jensen, you okay?” Jared’s hands are patting him down, frantic in his concern, and Jensen manages to babble enough about spiders to get Jared to look in the shower stall, where the water is still pounding away against the ceramic. There’s a tiny little crack around the pipework where the showerhead comes out of the wall, and the thing slips in there quick as a wink, disappearing again. 

They’re late for work, having taken considerable time to calm Jensen down enough to get rinsed off and dressed, and Jared didn’t waste any time pulling out his cell in the van, dialing up an exterminator. “It’s okay Jen. I’ll have the sitter pick up the kids for the day, and have the house fumigated. It’ll be dead by the time we get home tonight, okay?” 

“Liar.” Jensen sips his coffee to punctuate the point, glaring narrowly over the lip of the travel mug. Jared tries his best puppy-look as the phone rings merrily, but Jensen just shakes his head. “Liar. You said you killed it. That didn’t look dead to me. How about you?” Terror makes him snarky, okay? 

“I’ve said I’m sorry. We’ll get it… yes, hello?” Jared refocuses on getting the exterminator set up, promises a little extra to make sure it’s done by tonight, and Jensen resumes ignoring his co-worker. Evil bastard lied to him. He uses the words as a chant to soothe the throbbing bruises, and to hold up his anger a little bit longer. He’ll forgive Jared by lunch, he’s not deluding himself, but let the kid sweat a little. 

~~*^*~~

The house still smells vaguely of chemicals, a cloying stench that lingers stubbornly, but it’s also _spider-free_. It’s been over a week since the shower-incident, and it’s been a week free of eight legs (dogs excluded), free of spiders hell-bent on world (or, you know, _house_ ) domination, and Jensen is willing to let the episode go. He’s got the day off, though they start up filming the new episode tomorrow, and Jared has the dogs with him. He’d made noises about taking them down to the beach to enjoy the unusually warm day, and while the idea had tempted Jensen, the lure of lazing the day away was oh-so-much stronger. The house is quiet aside from the replay of a hockey game from last week, and the solitude is so welcomed. 

He’s just settling back into the couch after refilling his iced tea, glass slick and cool under his grip, when the vague sense of being watched makes him freeze. He cants his head, listening, but no one’s in the house, and the curtains are still drawn shut against the mid-morning light. Jensen grabs the remote, muting the sound, but the silence is undisturbed otherwise. He frowns, and turns his gaze back to the television when he sees it. 

On the wall, beside the television, just staring at him. Well, he assumes it’s staring at him. There’s a shriek, and he launches the only weapon easily accessible at it. Unfortunately, the remote bounces harmlessly off the wall about six inches to the left of the spider, changing the channel and altering the volume as it clatters onto the floor. It takes the song a minute to work into his brain from where he’s staring in horror at the spider that’s just… sitting there. 

“ _We’re your back-yard friends…”_

Oh hell no. He stands up, figuring maybe he can grab a broom or something to get the remote back, when the spider shifts on the wall. Jensen freezes, and the spider freezes. He moves, and the spider moves. “You know, maybe I should have taken Jared’s idea.” He flops back on the couch, and the bug on the wall settles in as well. He’ll wait until it moves, grab the remote, and it’ll all be okay. 

After all, how long can a spider hang out on the wall?

~~*^*~~

Turns out, a spider can’t hear the annoying and maddening ear-worm of a song that’s been playing endlessly. Apparently, there’s a marathon for the singing and imaginative… things that are on the television. The sun is at an angle to make truly impressively long shadows across the room, and the spider is still sitting there. His tea ran out hours ago, and has migrated through his body to press urgently on his bladder. The spider, however, skitters frantically anytime he moves, so he’s resigned to waiting for the end of time. Or, until Jared gets home, and can kill the damned thing. He heard the engine a few minutes ago, so there’s hope. The spider jumps when the front door slams shut, but doesn’t move otherwise. 

“Jensen? You home?” Jared hollers, and there’s the clink and noise of dogs being unleashed and uncollared. Harley comes bounding in first, straight for the couch as he leaps for it, wriggling around frantically on his back. 

Sadie follows more sedately, tongue lolling still as she flops on the dog beds by the window. Jensen glances at the wall, but the spider is gone. God only knows where though. “What the hell are you watching, man?” Jared asks, nose wrinkled in apparent horror as he watches the orange moose-child do a limbo under some laser lights, singing. 

“Don’t really know.” He squirms, the scent of wet-dog finally overpowering the cloying stench of bug-killer, and wonders how quickly he could make a dash for the bathroom. 

“Dude, are you drunk?” Jared moves behind him, and Jensen can only assume he was about to put his hand on Jensen’s shoulder. But Jared’s hand brushes against the fine hair along the nape of his neck, and the light touch feels entirely too much like spiders crawling up him, and _oh my god, no._ He smacks at it, lunging forward away from the touch, and that’s too much pressure on his bladder, which throbs warningly. Fuck it, bathroom, NOW. He can faintly hear Jared’s laughter, the dick, as he all but groans in relief, one eye warily on the shower. 

Jared’s kicking his shoes off, one hand braced on the wall, and Jensen grabs two beers from the fridge before settling on the couch, feet tucked up under him. The spider is loose again, and there’s no way it’s going to crawl up him again tonight. Harley has given up the couch in favor of laying on the cool tile in the kitchen, panting heavily as he watches his daddy move around the living room, picking up a few items before retrieving Jensen’s ‘weapon’. “So, care to explain how your day’s gone so far?” Jared teases, wagging the remote. 

He opens his mouth to explain, just as the spider creeps back out from its apparent hiding spot behind the television. His face must register the horror, because Jared turns to look, yelping abruptly as he smacks the wall. 

The end, when it comes, is agonizingly anti-climactic. 

Jared’s hit jars the spider loose and it hits the floor like a man on a mission, speeding towards the dark refuge of the couch. The same couch Jensen is hiding on. The thought that the spider was coming to attack him has _just_ flitted through his brain when Sadie snaps at the black insect racing past her, a single ‘crunch’ from her mouth before she wrinkles her lips and spits the bug out, working her tongue as she shakes her head. 

They both stare at the wet, disgusting mass on the floor, legs curled up against its belly as it lay there, not moving. “Is it dead?” 

“I think so…” Jared prods at it with a DVD case before nodding. “Yup. Good girl Sadie!” 

“Fuck ‘good girl’ Jay, we’re getting that damned dog a steak of her own.” Jensen waits until the thing had been thoroughly squished, squashed and crunched into a wad of paper towels and thrown outside before coaxing the dog up on the couch. “Yes we are,” he coos, to Sadie’s delight. “Yes we are. We’re gonna get you the third biggest steak we can find, and it’s all yours. You killed the evil spider. Oh yes, you did.” He raised a brow at Jared’s snort, tipping his head in askance. 

“You two need a room?” 

Jensen grins wolfishly at Jared. “You know, if _you_ had killed it, _you’d_ be getting all the attention. Not my fault Sadie had to be knight in shining armor for me.” 

And Jared’s response to that? Well, that’s a story better left for another day. 

  



End file.
